SquatMatch: Akuma vs. Jack Bauer
Posted March 29, 2006 at 11:48 am by Spamalot
So who would win this Squatmatch? Jack Bauer (AKA the younger - slightly less drunk Sutherland) OR Akuma (AKA Mr. grouchy shotokan warrior).
Here’s my version of what would happen…
Jack Bauer runs up to Akuma with his gun drawn.
Bauer: “Freeze Akuma, You’re under arrest for the murders of the 125 people on board that submarine you cut in half”
Akuma: “…”
Bauer: “Okay ugly, you’re coming with me. In cuffs or a pine box–Your choice.”
Akuma: “…”
Akuma teleports towards Jack. Bauer fires, but the bullets go right through Akuma, who proceeds to give him his Finishing Move, the Shungokusatsu.
Bauer lays on the ground, dead; Akuma picks up his badge off of the ground.
2 weeks later Akuma walks up to basement door of an old abandoned house, teleports through a door and materializes in the middle of about a dozen men who are working on various explosives.
The men are alarmed and reach for their guns but immediatley know why Akuma is there when they see Bauer’s badge land on the table.
Akuma taps the table and in a very thick Japanese accent says “Bounty”.
It’s the last word him or any of the Terrorists in the house ever hear.
Jack Bauer sits in his house, watching Akuma’s movements on a GPS display, and seeing everything he sees thanks to the spy camera he planted on Akuma’s ball knecklace while he let him “Kill” him.
Looking at the “Akuma knecklace cam”, Jack positively IDs Mustafah Rodinurpooper, the terrorist cell he’s been hunting for the last month. He pushes a button on his watch, and Akuma’s knecklace explodes, taking the whole building with him.
“N00b” says Jack as he gets up to fetch another cold one.
Okay, what do you think would happen. Who would win, and why?
Discuss…
March 29th, 2006 at 3:37 pm
I think Akuma would disembowel Jack in record time. PERFECT. Jack is tough and clever and Akuma is a supernatural murderer. My money is on Akuma. If they engaged SF style. Jack might be one or maybe two shots in, then Akuma would take over. Each punch would break a regular persons bone, easy. If they engaged 24 style, Akuma would obliterate him before Jack even knew what as what.
March 30th, 2006 at 9:24 am
Awesome pic btw lol and great post as well. Bounty, hahahaha I can totally hear him say it.
Well as we all know, the SF style of fighting is complete fantasy and doesn’t really dicate a true fight between two people. No 3D movement, everyone can jump ten feet and do flips, etc. I’m going to have to go with Spammy on this one, though my fight would go a little something like this…
Jack, being a master of deception, as shown recently when he infiltrated the terrorist ring and actually went along with them to set a bomb off, would study Akuma for months and learn everything he could about him.
Then, buying a traditional Japanese gi and cheap bead necklace, he would meet Akuma out in the desert somewhere and pose as a humble fighter hoping to learn the magical arts that Akuma has developed. Akuma is doubtful at first, until Jack begins to speak in his native tongue of Japanese. Akuma is mildly impressed but throws a wrench into Jack’s plan.
He tells Jack that if he is serious about learning the dark Hadou, he must first prove his loyalty. He instructs Jack that he must kill Ryu. Jack quickly accepts and makes his way out into the wilderness to find the lone fighter. During his trip, he makes numerous calls to CTU, asking Chloe for everything she can find on Ryu and his fighting style. Jack is gone for two months.
Finally, just when Akuma believes Ryu has made short work of the martial arts n00b, a knock at his door reveales that Jack was successful. Akuma asks how he could possibly know if Jack was telling the truth. Jack throws two smelly and worn out red sparring gloves on the table. Akuma’s eyes light up with excitement. He agrees to teach Jack about the Dark Hadou, knowing that any true master must have a pupil. And since Ryu never fully gave in to Akuma’s power, Jack would be a suitable replacement.
Over the next few months, Jack, in his attempts to be as real as possible to his master, truly begins to learn the Dark Hadou. It slowly begins to take him over, darkening his eyes and skin. When CTU calls, he becomes enraged, hanging up the phone on Chloe and Audrey. Not long after, he throws his first Hadou fireball.
A year passes. Jack has reached his peak, he can no longer be trained by the Dark Master. Akuma smiles and nods, giving him his approval.
“Together, we shall wreck havoc upon all who oppose us!” he says, pounding his fist in the air.
A rustle in the bushes behind them grabs their attention. From the underbrush, a pale figure comes into view. It’s Ryu.
“WHAT!? THIS CAN’T BE! YOU’RE DEAD!”
Distracted, Akuma winches as a gunshot rings out. He looks down and sees a stream of crimson flowing from his chest. he turns to see his student, Jack Bauer, with a smoking handgun. Stunned, Akuma drops to the ground, dead.
“Been a long time coming, but you came through, just as you promised.” Ryu says to Jack.
Jack stands in silence.
“So uh, listen. I would REALLY like my gloves back. Got ‘em handy?” Ryu asks.
Jack stands in silence.
“Uh, Jack?” Ryu asks once more.
Jack drops his gun and dashes towards Ryu, jumping into the air and flying downwards in a vicious drop kick. Ryu easily evades and strikes a ready stance. Jack lands a few feet away and hits his own stance.
“Join me, little one.” Jack says in a deep voice.
“No…no…NO!” Ryu says, stunned.
The Dark Hadou has taken Jack, and now he intends to make Ryu his student.
“You will join me…or die!” Jack says, as he runs towards Ryu.
Ryu runs towards Jack, and the scene ends like at the end of Rocky 2, with both men throwing a punch and the frame freezing.
Queue Eye of the Tiger.
Fin.
March 30th, 2006 at 3:33 pm
Akuma? Killed with a glock? I guess I can dig it.
March 31st, 2006 at 9:36 am
Yeah man. It’s like that big sword wielding guy in Indian Jones. He’s trained for years, has a HUGE sword and would cut anyone up that he could get close to. But he wasn’t bullet proof.
“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.” - Han Solo
April 3rd, 2006 at 12:39 am
HA! one of the best scenes in any movie.
turben dude: hyaaaaa ha ha ha ha! *swings sword expertly*
indy: . . . *draws pistol, kills turben man*