I’m a big fan of Gamespy.com (shameless plug dat). I’ve been reading them for years and their reviews, for me, are 99% on the money. Anywho, incase you didn’t get that, that’s www.gamespy.com , muaha.
But yeah, they have some great write-ups and every so often I like to point some folks over to it, and this week they have some nifty little paragraphs on upcoming 360 games. Check it out here.
And what kind of Tronsta post would this be if I didn’t offer my own two cents on these upcoming games, ZOT!
So yeah, it starts off HOTT with Gears of War. “Second Person” shooter, eh? They could call it “Constipated Diarrhea” shooter for all I care and I’d still buy it. I’ve been following this one since E3 ‘05 press releases came out and I pretty much wet my pants every time I see new content. I always loved the survival horror type games but my main problem, besides the fact that I’m a total girl when it comes to playing these scary games home alone, is that the control never gave me that twitchy edge that one needs when fighting off endless hordes of zombies and rabid animals. But my prayers have been answered, and yes, I do pray for video games. Well, no. No, I don’t. But seriously, I do wet my pants over this game. Imagine the looks I got from my local grocery store when I picked up a refresher supply of Depends, or as I like to call them, Grammy Time Extenders.
Ok next up, Demonik, yet another S@T@N game, but this one is brought to you by the Lord of all that is S@T@N, Cliver Barker, Bob’s black sheep brother who refuses to spade or neuter his pets and self-proclaimed creator of the Heckraiser series. Woopie do, more demons. I liked this game the first time I played it when it was called Doom 3. Actually, I didn’t play Doom 3, I like my soul right where it is.
Thirdly, we see some previews for The Godfather, or as I like to call it, GTA: Eye-talian Edition. You run around, beat sleazy shylocks, kick rival mobsters in the teeth, and shoot people, all to the classic Puzo motif. Hooray. Think I’ll pass this one.
Fourth up we have Saints Row, or as I like to call it, GTA: Rican Edition. C’mon guys, are you kidding me? This is almost as bad as all the reality TV clones that shamelessly try to ride the wave of success from shows like Real World and Survivor. In this unique and original game, you drive around and shoot people, jack their cars, and shoot them again. But this time you do it as a Latino. Hooray.
Might I pause a moment and draw your attention to the best GTA version eveh? Sure I shall!
Muaha. Ok back to the article…
Superman. Hrm. Whelp, don’t get me wrong, I hate Superman just like the next guy. I mean c’mon, perhaps it was sufficient in the early 1900’s, back when books first came out, to create a lopsided comic character like Stuporman, but these days, we need a little more. Sorry to offend all Superman fans, but he has about as much style as an 89 year old white guy from Del Boca Vista.
Ok now with that said, realizing fully how much I despise the leoTARD clad fool in blue and red, let me just say my initial reaction to gameplay news and screenshots of the Superman 360 game was pretty much like Neo’s expression when he saw Morpheus jump across to another building. I HATE Superman, but these screenshots look amazing. Oh dang, I went ahead and gave you the impression there were Superman screenshots on Gamespy.com. Well they ain’t! Sorry, saw them in Game Informer. But trust me, they’re hott! Did I just say hot in relation to Superman? Does that make me ghey? Crap, now I’m gonna have to start shopping in Banana Republic and get my hair did.
So next we come to a personal favorite genre of mine, and one that my fellow SquatSquat.Com pals don’t really enjoy much, racing! Test Drive Unlimited, looks tighter than a pair of Peter Griffin’s polyester lounge pants. I’m a huge fan of Project Gotham Racing 2 and Forza Motorsport, so I’m betting I’m going to love this game. It looks to be PGR2 with a GTA-style open world. Noice.
Next up, Splinter Cell 4. OOOOOOOOOO. I have to be honest, though, I’m too much of bOOb tOOB victim to have much patience for these games. They are amazing, though, I can admit that. But I’d much rather jump into the fray ala UT than stalk around waiting for the right moment to pounce on my enemies. I never take advantage of that moment, rather, I wait until they pull their pants up and buckle their belts and grab their guns and stroll out of the bathroom. THEN I make my move, and THEN I get a slug to the brow. Boo. But yeah, Chaos Theory really impressed me so no doubt this one is going to be hot. Hot with one T this time, though.
Elder. Scrolls. Oblivion. The hype has been building on this one for a long while now, and it seems we still have a little while to go before it comes out, but from the looks of it, it may stand to be one of the greatest fantasy RPG’s of all time. As you may have seen from some screenshots, there is FPS gameplay in there with your big sword! NICE! Nothin says lovin like a hand-and-a-half to the grill. Insanely huge world, practically unlimited side quests, and compelling main story line are making this one to be a must-have. If you like RPG’s, that is. If you don’t, then I just wasted another 5 minutes of your life.
Frame City Killa. I actually like the premise, it’s something out of an 80’s or 90’s sci-fi novel. While this article doesn’t say much about it, I read in Game Informer that this game is supposed to be a futuristic Cyperpunk/Internet type deal. Frame City is some kind of digital world, like a virtual reality Internet that you jack into. Might be interesting. Hey how bout those Giants!? WOOHOO!
Oooo Spammy, hey Spammy, hey Spammy, check it out main, Full Auto! Like Burnout meets Twisted Metal, I’m DYING to play this one! If the world is as they say, you’ll have huge Burnout-style tracks and tons of weaponry and cars to choose from. In the words of the Dwarven Bomb Squad from Warcraft 2, I LOVE BLOWIN STUFF UP!
Whew, that was fun. Ok, Blue Dragon. *stares at screen blankly* Right, why don’t we save the cheesy anime crap to PS3 and GBA, shall we?
And to conclude the lineup, we have The Darkness. Now, if you are like me and you love dark and scary games with freaky supernatural themes, no doubt you are saying the same thing I am…DARKNESS, DARKNESS EVERONE, DARKNESS IS PRETTY! Haha, but no, really, seriously and stuff, if you like those sinister games that take you through an emotional rollercoaster ride of frights and fidgets, no doubt you are saying to yourself the same thing I am…THIS WAS WAY BEFORE WESLEY SNIPES! Hahaha! Ok, yeah, if you’re like me, you can’t stop thinking of all the Rick James jokes when you read about this game. Move along, move along, we don’t need to see your identification, move along…
Well, that was an exciting little jaunt into the completely normal and straight forward world that is Tronsta, wasn’t it? Hah! Well keep an eye on this article, because as you can see, these were just 2 of 5 articles that will be out. And might I draw your attention to the FINAL DAY!?!?! Master Chief…
*drools*
So what 360 titles are you looking forward to?
For anyone else who couldn’t understand some of what Tronsta was saying, you’re not alone. He speaks a blend of 70’s Jive slang and L337speak. We’ll all catch on eventually.
Gears of War all the way!!!
I’m the Dennis Miller of Video Game Bloggin, okay babe?