SquatSquat.com

Face it, there are two kinds of people in this world…

Those who squat and those who get squatted.

Of course, who in this world DOESN’T get squatted? I mean really, you’d have to be the greatest Halo player in the Universe, and you’d STILL get cheesed out by that level 21’s nOOb combo. But ah, the squat. Some of us live for it. Some of us see a dead deer lying on the side of the road and we must fight with all that is holy and humane not to pull over and squat that thing. PWND LOLZ!!!!

But seriously, what kind of squatter are you? Here’s a short list of squats to get us started:

1) The Machine Gun Squat – Time is short, each squat counts! Danger lurks around every corner, no time to waste, so pound that squat button like it’s going out of style! The Machine Gun Squat is one of the funniest things you’ll see in any game, especially Halo. Follow with some grade school jeers and chuckles and you’ve got one of the most satisfying squats in existence. I think the record is something like 8 squats in a second…

2) The Slow Dance Squat – For some, taking their time is the only way to enjoy something. A fine wine, an elegant cut of filet mignon, a justly earned takedown in Halo 2…you get the idea. Master Chief’s squat animation is pretty detailed, and these squatters exploit that fact as they squat like a 90 year old man after guzzling a 40 of prune juice. Of course, this squat is the most dangerous out in the field, as it leaves you more vulnerable to attack. Use with caution!

3) The Jump Squat – Also called the Crouching Tiger Hidden Squat, this one is rare and difficult to pull off, but it’s a sight to see. With your opponent’s body flying through the air, jump up to meet them whilst striking the squat button. Though it doesn’t look the same as a ground squat, eye-savvy viewers will get quite the kick out of seeing Master Chief pull up his legs in midair. Try an all-rockets match and Jump Squats will present themselves like hostage opportunities in Iraq.

4) The Nobody-Can-Hear-You-Scream Squat – This is a great one. Take someone out silently, maybe up in a secluded sniper spot, or a back alley, or in a dark corner, and squat till you cain’t squat no mo’! This by far is the most humiliating of all the squats, very similar to getting silently taken out in online multiplayer games of Splinter Cell. In space, no one can hear you squat…

5) The Squat-Squat-Melee - A clan favorite, the Squat-Squat-Melee is the most structured squat. Just as it sounds, you squat, squat, then melee the corpse. Lather, rinse, repeat.

6) The Steal-Killin Squat – Who says you can’t squat random bodies lying on the ground!? While not as satisfying as getting your very own truly earned squat, it can be quite a hilarious scene. Of course, this squat works best when someone is freshly slain so they can see someone running by squatting without prejudice on any and all bodies lying there. Suggested application: Follow that one level 39 guy on your team and you’ll have plenty of Steal-Killin Squats to go around.

7) The Muzzleloader Squat – This one looks AND sounds great. Take someone out with a shottie and disperse indiscriminate buckshot into the body as you squat away. Serve with high pitched giggling for added effect.

The HAHAHA-UGH! Squat – Face it, we’re squat junkies, we get dem squats no matter who or what is going on around us. This very often leads to the infamous HAHAHA-UGH! Squat, which is basically you getting taken out whilst in the middle of your own Squat. Of course, any jeer or taunt can be cut off with a blood curdling UGH! as you are gunned down in mid-squat, so insert your favorite childish cheer in place of the HAHAHA if ya like.

9) The Colonoscopy Squat – This one is pretty brutal. After a squat or two, unload your weapon into your opponents tookus area and watch the feces fly! Well, not so much feces as it is crimson blood, but just imagine it’s brown and chunky!

10) The Vehicle Squat – What’s more satisfying than taking out a Warthog full of enemies with a single grenade? Not much. And what’s more, Master Chief is flame retardant! Hop on that wreck and squat, my man, you’ve earned it! Quite a sight to see, but beware, this one is HIGHLY visible and will get you sniped faster than Vinny D in Saving Private Ryan.

Well those are just a few little ditties to get us rollin’. What kind of squatter are you?

Hehehehehe, I said ditties…

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 6th, 2005 at 9:24 pm and is filed under Action, Articles, FPS, Online, PC, Xbox 360. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.